Who is Better Off? Stay-at-Home Mom vs. Career Mom- 5 Points to Consider
Have you ever asked yourself this question? No matter where you are now- working inside or outside the home, a blend of both, with kids or thinking about having them- it’s a big question that most women ask themselves at some point in life. We feel judged no matter what we choose, and can feel like a part of our identity is sacrificed.
Why talk about this?
I’m currently reading The Feminine Mystique, a book that was published in 1963, by Betty Friedan. She coined the phrase "feminine mystique" to describe a problem women were facing. “The problem that had no name,” she called it. The feminine mystique represented the assumption that all women would be fulfilled doing housework, being a sexually submissive wife, and a mother, without an identity outside of these roles. To go against this, would be considered unfeminine.
She set out to prove that women were actually unfulfilled and couldn’t find a way to speak about what they were going through.
Her book is credited with initiating a second wave of feminism. Where the first wave focused on the right to vote, property rights, etc., the second wave broadened the conversation to other issues women were facing. Friedman suggested that a typical suburban “housewife” felt like she was alone in feeling inferior and held a deeper longing for something more.
It got me thinking, is this true? Are women who stay home destined to an unfulfilled existence? Did the second wave of feminism have it right? Are “career moms” more fulfilled?
5 Things to Consider When Asking “Should I Stay Home or go to Work?”
My opinion is not a simple yes or no answer. Read on for the important things to consider when considering your own path.
1- TIMES HAVE CHANGED- BUT BARRIERS HAVEN’T
First, as much as this book sparked a much-needed public dialogue, let’s remember it was written 58 years ago! It was written through a white, middle to upper-class, homophobic lens. It doesn’t take into account how “the feminine mystique” impacts different groups of women. BIPOC women, women who identify as LGBTQ, single women, low-income women, disabled women, etc. This decision might be harder for you depending on your intersectional identity. So, for some, the choice of whether to work inside or outside the home might not feel like a choice at all. Factors such as cost of child care, the very real wage gap, the “motherhood penalty”, lack of opportunities, access to education, access to funding if you want to start a business, etc. All these things need to be factored in and navigated thoughtfully and holistically for each individual.
2- DREAM BIGGER- THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
Why does this have to be an either/ or question - stay at home with the kids or go to work?
Feminism is not about dividing women into two opposing categories. Especially within a culture that degrades one or both groups for their choices. Feminism is about freedom of choice and empowerment of all women. Part of the reason women of the past felt inferior in their roles as “housewives” wasn’t simply because they envied men. It was how society values “feminine” vs masculine work. The image of a “housewife” is now broadening and the more we find creative ways to be fulfilled as humans, while having a joint strategy for household income. As humans, regardless of gender we need to feel valued, included, and seen. How do we achieve this? We need a third wave of feminism that not only takes into account intersectionality and the #metoo movement, but also focuses on valuing femininity for its infinite contribution (and potential) for society and allows gender and femininity to be mutually inclusive. In other words- gender, nor our choice of feminine vs masculine work should limit us from achieving success and fulfillment within that realm. After all, we don’t categorize men as career vs. stay at home Dad. And, if we valued “feminine” work equally, more men would feel like staying home was an option for them as well.
3- FOCUS ON WHAT DOES FULFILL YOU
You may know that you will be happier at work and that’s okay. You might be happier at home. That’s ok too. Remember, what’s good for you will ultimately be good for your family. If you are unfulfilled, this will impact how you show up in all aspects of life, and it will also affect your mental and physical health. Trust me, I am speaking from experience. Work with a coach to help you define your core values and think of ways you can incorporate what matters most for you, regardless of whether you choose to stay home, go to work, or a blend of both. You may feel like the many “hats” you wear are competing with one another. Having a purpose statement that is an umbrella for how you show up in all aspects of life will help you integrate these roles to optimize your effectiveness with all of them and make everyday decisions and prioritizing easier. Self-awareness and creating an optimised system are key here.
4- community over competition
How might your own views and behaviours be limiting change? Do you support other women regardless of their choices? They may even choose, or not be able to have kids. The belief that women are meant to procreate over anything else, in itself, is limiting. This is why many women experiencing infertility have more difficulty coping than their male counterparts. We need to expand our views on female identity. Call out men and women who propagate stereotypes and unrealistic expectations of women. Always think about how engrained limiting beliefs, systemic discrimination is at play. Continuing this dialogue within our communities is what changes a culture. And remember, a rising tide lifts all boats. If we are always thinking about the most marginalized group within a system, then we are likely being inclusive of everyone. Once you’ve adopted this mindset, you’ll notice that you will suddenly become more realistic of your own expectations. Also, pay attention to how much of what you’re doing or how you are trying to “appear” is holding up these limiting views of what a woman’s role is. Are you worrying about what your peers, family, in-laws, and partner thinks over your own intuition and inner desires? Your whole community needs to support you as much as you are there to support them. And there is no need to feel guilty for honouring your desires.
5- REMEMBER- NO DECISION IS FINAL
“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” - Sir Winston Churchill
You are allowed to try and fail at anything you choose. Never let anyone feel like once you’ve made a choice, you can’t change your mind because they are relying on you. Life is just one big experiment. There is an art to building trust, of course, to make choices with integrity and not burn the bridges you’ve worked so hard to build. Make sure to reach out for support when things get hard and navigate through each transition. Change is not easy, but it forces us to learn, grow, and ultimately be better parents- regardless of our choices.
So, what do you think? Who has it better off? Or do you agree the question itself is too complex to answer in general terms? For me, instead of worrying about if the grass is greener elsewhere, I’d rather focus on watering my own.
Help me continue this dialogue. Tell me in the comments below- is there anything you feel is an important consideration for designing your life as a mom? #startadialogue
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